I’ve had depression in the past where I was at the point of tears for nothing and everything all at once, but what I’m feeling right now isn’t that. I spent the day yesterday juxtaposed between laughter and tears. I could have gone either way at any given moment for no reason at all. I think what I’m feeling are…feelings.
I never really stopped to consider how numbing alcohol is to my perceptions and emotions, I’ve damped them down for 20 years and now I’m starting to feel their return.
I exhaust myself.
But that’s not the only reason I’m tired. I may not be waking sweaty and panicked at 4am any more but I’m dreaming.
Collective voice of the entire internet: Shes not going to tell us her dreams now is she? No, no, no, she wouldn’t do that, she knows that everyone hates listening to someone drone on about their subconscious mind’s thought-junk.
I had a particularly vivid one last night.
Collective voice of the entire internet: Ah Jesus, she’s going to do it. Quick someone distract her…ooh look kitten memes!
I can’t remember the first part now but…
Collective face of the entire internet: [adjusts polite glazed expression]
…the end had a friend who is a bigger drinker than I sitting in his pants laughing like a drain while I tried to pick up all my teeth that had fallen on the floor and, since I couldn’t put them back in my mouth in the correct sequence, I was saving them in a glass with ice to take to the dentist.
Now I’m not certain if my subconscious has lapsed on its First Aid certification (fingers and frozen peas come to mind) or if it does a really great line in bad punning (Long Island Iced Tea-th?) but that wasn’t the worst part…
Collective voice of the entire internet: [distinctly disinterested] Oh?
…I woke up with a peculiar feeling in the back of my throat, I swallowed and had that sensation you get when you dry-swallow a small tablet. A small tablet with a slight trail.
I think I swallowed a fucking spider!
Collective body of the entire internet: [thunk]
It must be my imagination mustn’t it? I mean the fact that I’d just been dreaming about putting things in my mouth?
I didn’t sleep much after that.